Learning. Always learning.

babymingee:

Okay, I haven’t truly read the Bible in quite some time now. I thought that if I could just ignore it and just bury myself in doing everything else possible, I would be okay. Of course I didn’t really tell myself that. It was unconscious. But a powerful idea that turned into action nonetheless.

I ignored the Bible because I guess I got hurt so much. Some time ago, I was in so much pain. Not physically, but mentally, emotionally, and that kind of pain can really leave scars. But time passed. And literally, with time comes healing, sooner or later.

I got over it, I was sort of back to normal. Not quite as giddy and optimistic as before, but much better compared to back then. But I still didn’t quite put my trust back into God, or Jesus. I didn’t know how to come back spiritually. I really was stuck. I felt like I fell into a pit and I couldn’t get back up at all. I was just rolling around in my miseries and worldly problems.

Then I realized something today. Well, I acknowledged it before, but when you review over some notes, some things tend to come back and hit you when it’s the most important to you at the time. I realized that even though I pray sometimes and I go to church weekly, that I was fooling myself. I only used God when I thought I needed him. “God, help me fix this,” or, “God, help me do that.” I am completely and extremely selfish. And I was USING God. Or trying to use Him. That sounded completely wrong in every way. It shouldn’t be like that. I should be praising Him and worshiping Him without having the feeling of obligation or thinking that it’s such a waste of time. I should be WANTING to praise Him, learning MORE about Him, wanting to be CLOSER to Him. Looking at myself now, I’m thinking, “What the hell was I doing?”

Then I read the Bible, after my mom told me to countless of times. I first opened the book to a random chapter in John. I usually do that. But this time, I asked someone’s advice on what to read. She said the book, and I read it. And I never felt so ashamed and resentful of myself and at the same time so sorry.

I don’t know how He does it, but even after all this time, I think He talked to me through the passage. I’m not sure, but it’s a feeling.

After I read that passage, I prayed to God, and I cried as I was praying. I asked Him to forgive me many times, but not with a loving heart. This time, as I prayed, I was trying to repent for my sins, trying to ask if He could forgive my selfishness and my cruelty. I was so upset with myself. But I learned something about God. I forget it now, after writing so much, so I’ll read it again tomorrow. But I still learned something about God, and for that I was completely grateful and thanked Him.

I’m still a child. I still have many things to learn. And I also need to remember to never give up. Bt I’ll be happily learning with God. When the going gets tough, I should remember that God is with me.
I hope all will be well in the future, and that I do not forget. God was, is, and will always be a really important part of my life, and that He helps me in every way.